Oedipus Rex FF7 and KH
by VillainObssessedGirl
Summary: This is one version of Oedipus Rex written in a play form I did for Highschool. I can't decide whether to perform this one or the FF7 Oedipus one. You all decide.


[Scene comes up on Sora and Riku sitting on the edge of the stage. Riku is holding an empty bento.]

Riku: Whew! That was a really good bento Sora.

Sora: Thanks Riku. I made it myself.

Riku: It had all my favorites in it!

Sora: Really! I had no idea!

Riku: Everything was even cut into little hearts. That was really creative as we live in Kingdom Hearts.

Sora: Yeah… well actually Riku about the hearts I have something to tell you.[scoots closer]

Riku: What is that? [not getting it]

Sora: Umm, well, I

Riku: [jumping to feet] Oh! Time for me to again randomly leave! See ya Sora! Good luck on becoming a key blade master! [exits]

Sora: The power of this key blade master won't be complete without your love Riku… [Starts to sing Why do you build me up buttercup. Enter a frantic Roxas]

Roxas: Sora! Help me!

Sora: Dang it, Roxas! You ruined my song! What is it!

Roxas: You've gotta hide me! Axels been following me around everywhere! I opened the shower curtain this morning and he was there waiting with a towel.

Sora: And the problem is?

Roxas: It's freaky! He's even got,

Axel: [offstage] Roxas, where are yooooouuuuu?

Roxas: Oh my… Hide me! [Roxas dives behind Sora's legs. Enter Axel]

Axel: Roxas! Oh, hey Sora.

Sora: Hi Axel. What are you doing out here? The beach is a bit out of your element.

Axel: Yeah, but I'm looking for Roxas. He's my best buddy and I would do anything for him.

Sora: That's so sweet. I'd do the same for Riku if I ever knew where to start looking.

Axel: What happened to Riku by-the-by?

Sora: He… had to leave….suddenly.

Axel: I'll bet you miss him, huh?

Sora: Yeah, but I can't just chain him to me.

Axel: Let's not be hasty on that decision. It could work if you could catch him, but in the meantime just get a plushie of him from an Animezment con. [pulls out a plushie of Roxas.] I got one of Roxas. It helps whenever he's away from me. I love it, but Roxas thinks it's freaky for some reason. I don't know why, it's so cute! [hugs it] I tried to buy Roxas one of me, but he refused. It made me a little sad to tell ya the truth.

[Sora, moved by Axel's affection, breaks away to hug him]

Sora: Axel, you are the kindest and most gentle guy ever! [Turns to Roxas still on ground] Roxas, you should think yourself lucky to have Axel.

Axel: Roxas! There you are! Let's go cuddle up and eat sea salt icecream! Thanks Sora for helping me find my man! [exit Axel dragging a non-compliant Roxas with him]

Sora: It's not fair! Why won't Riku ever be like that? Maybe I should try being more direct like Axel… [suddenly Riku rushes onstage]

Riku: Don't you dare!

Sora: Riku! You came back to me!

Riku: Only to keep you from becoming Thing Two to Axel's Thing One! I will never speak to you again if you do! [Enter Reno]

Reno: Sheesh. Talk about your control issues.

Sora: Reno!

Riku: Damn, its Axel's Somebody…

Reno: Riku, you need to stop taking advantage of Sora like that and being so cocky or you'll end up like Cloud.

Riku: I'll end up as a homosexual emo? I thought I already was…

Reno: You are. I was referring to the fact that Cloud took advantage of everything around him and lost it all due to his overconfidence in his abilities.

Riku: How the heck do you figure that?

Reno: Well, I'll tell you. [Enter Rude]

Rude: NO! STOP! You are NOT telling THAT story!

Reno: Why not?

Rude: Because… I said so!

Reno: Look, I'm trying to teach silver hair and the audience here a lesson about not taking advantage of relationships and what overconfidence can do to you.

Rude: Wow… Reno… you actually have a valid argument… for once.

Reno: Now, may I continue with my story?

Rude: I guess… [Exit Rude]

Reno: Finally. Okay everyone, get comfortable.

Sora: Yay! Story time! Sit by me Riku!

Riku: Why do I do this?

Reno: Alright! The year is 2042; this was pretty recent, just a few months ago actually when the city of Midgar was being plagued by Geostigma, also known as Earthstigma and Cloud was gonna get married to Aerith; oh, yeah and they were royalty.

Riku: What? That's so not how Final Fantasy Seven went.

Reno: Look, I'm trying to make it more interesting.

Sora: Riku, Shhh! Go on Reno.

Reno: Well, King Cloud and his wife Queen Aerith don't know why this Geostigma was happening 'cause Cloud was stupid not to listen to me. I was in a bar when I saw him so I thought I'd do the kid a favor and tell him what was going on, but nooooo! He wouldn't listen to me. No one ever listens to Reno!

(Rude is offstage.)

Rude: That's cause you were drunk, stupid! And a person with only a third of a brain would listen to you!

Reno: Shut up Rude! That's my partner Rude. We're guards of the city. We used to be bodyguards to the late King Zack, may he R.I.P., but someone killed him. I know who, it was

Rude: Reno! Shut your yap and help me with Cloud!

Reno: Guess I'd better go. Sounds like the baboon didn't have his banana today. But I promise as soon as I get done the story will recommence.

Riku: Oh, joy…

Sora: Lighten up Riku! You're worse than Xemnas.

Reno: Yo, Rude, my man. Where are you?

(Rude has entered from other side of stage and snuck up behind Reno)

Rude: Right here.

Reno: WHOA! WATCH OUT RUDE!

(Reno had been so surprised that he hit Rude in the head with his pipe.)

Rude: Reno… one of these days I'm gonna,

Reno: What? Throw one of your bombs at me?

Rude: If nothing else they're flashy and can blind you.

Reno: Riiiiiiggghhhhht, where's Cloud?

Rude: Checking his hair. That threat to call Tifa was really useful.

Riku: Excuse me, can you guys like hurry up and tell the story already?

Reno: Don't get your tighty-whites all in a bunch silver. We will now flashback to a conversation we had just a few months previously. Oh, and by the way, none of this made the movie or the game. Editors thought Cloud had too much of an Oedipus complex going on.

Rude: I don't know why when they're fine that Vincent Valentine might be the father and brother to Sephiroth and Lucrecia mother to both of them.

Reno: That was discredited due to lack of evidence. I mean Vincent is ageless and Sephiroth just keeps being reborn no matter how many times you kill him. Anyways, let's get started.

Rude: Right.

Reno: Okay. [Gets into character]

Rude: What are you doing?

Reno: I'm getting into character.

Rude: Reno, come here, [Reno leans close and Rude whacks him on the head with the pipe.] You are playing yourself!

Reno: OW! Fine! [to Sora and Riku] We are now a few months back. [To Rude] Hey, Rude, do you remember that kid that we found bout eighteen years ago? The one that was all tied up?

Rude: Yeah….. What about him?

Reno: Well, I saw him in the bar and I was thinking…

Rude: You were thinking!

Reno: Yeah. I do that a lot believe it or not.

(Flails the pipe recklessly around and Rude is barely dodging his blows.)

Rude: I knew it. The world is coming to an end.

Reno: Ha ha. Ignoring the 'Rude' comment, I was thinking that we should tell the kid bout who his parents were.

Rude: What about the prophecy? You know; the one that says the kid will kill his best friend and marry Earth's Mother?

Reno: Prophecy shmophecy, as long as he knows.

Rude: With you telling him then it won't be pretty.

Reno: Jealous. (Exit Reno who drops his pipe.)

Rude: Oh brother. Well, I guess I better go with him. Otherwise he'll kill the king with his pipe or more likely annoy him to death.

Reno (offstage): I heard that!

(Exit Rude. Scene changes to the palace where Cloud is sitting on his throne moping.) [Cloud is a real drama queen]

Cloud: Aw man, I really shouldn't have been walking my giant shadow dog while on an equally gigantic motorcycle. And I really shouldn't have been practicing my swordsman skills on those poor innocent peasants where the three roads meet. I hope the guy I sliced in half is okay. Lucky for me I got hitched the same day.

Aerith: Dilly dally shilly shally Cloud. Are you still moping about that peasant that you sliced? It's over and done with so move on!

Cloud: Well, it's not only that. Some drunken red head with a pipe in a bar had the audacity to tell me that my mom and dad weren't my real parents.

Aerith: Well Cloud you have to admit that you weren't so sober either.

Cloud: Yeah, but with all the stuff that has been happening it might be true. I mean Shinra said the geostigma plague was caused by the death of your late husband, may he rest in peace, and…. wait. How exactly did he die anyway?

Aerith: Its funny you should ask because he was also killed where three roads meet. Except we heard he was eaten by a giant shadow dog. Isn't that funny?

Cloud: Heh heh, yeah funny. You don't have any witnesses do you?

Aerith: Yeah. Some tall, dark and scary guy with shades that used to be my husband's body guard by the name of Ruthe…. no, Rut, no…

Reno: Rude!

Aerith: That's it. Rude. (Claps hands together)

Cloud: Hey look. It's the drunken red head! Shut the gate!

Reno: He's the abandoned prince.

Rude: You! Aren't you the moron who was practicing with his sword while walking a giant shadow dog and riding a motorcycle at the same time? The King and I saw you! He was trying to stop you and you sliced him in half!

Cloud: Crap. You mean that guy with all that armor on was the King?

Chorus:

Cloud: Oh no. Could I possibly be the killer of the King?

Aerith: Could Cloud be my former husband's killer and my son?

Rude: There is no doubt in my mind that he is. But, Aerith, we are aaaaalll your kids. You're Earth's Mother, remember?

Aerith: Oh, yes. Dilly dally shilly shally me.

Reno: Finally they're putting two and two together… I'm hungry. What's for lunch Rude?

(Rude hits Reno. End chorus.)

Rude: Yeah that was him.

Reno: Hey, I'm still out here and I want to tell him the best part.

Cloud: Okay let him in. You were saying? What is the best part? Tell me!

Reno: Maybe I don't wanna tell you cause you locked me out in the cold and I was left all to my lonesome.

Cloud: Tell me now or I'll feed you to my shadow dogs.

Reno: Alright, alright, alright. There was this prophecy that said you'd kill your best buddy and get hitched with Earth's Mother.

Aerith: That's silly. Zack and I left that baby tied up in the mountains.

Reno: Well you did, but I picked him up and gave him to good old Meanie here to give to his Boss and Bossette.

Cloud: Wait, did you just say Zack? Zack is your former husband?

Aerith: Yes.

Cloud: Wait just a moment [takes out his phone and calls Zack. Phone said it is disconnected as this person is dead] I don't believe it. I've killed my best friend and married his widow.

Rude: Seems like its Reno's fault that all of this happened. What did I tell you about finding things in the wilderness?

Reno: To leave them there, but...….but…. He was just a helpless baby.

(Exit Aerith and Cloud)

Rude: So was Sephiroth at one point and look how he turned out! Hey where did everyone go? [Fighting is hear] Go check it out Reno.

Reno: Why me!

Rude: Cause you're more of a chicken and run away faster.

Reno: Ignoring the 'Rude' comment again.

(Exit Reno. We hear him scream) (Reno enters again)

Rude: What happened!

Reno: Earth's Mother, Aerith has just been killed by Sephiroth. Vincent tried to defend her as best he could.

Rude: Oh my, Reno …. I'm sorry you had to see such an awful thing.

Reno: That isn't half as bad as what has happened to Cloud.

Rude: What happened to Cloud! What Reno!

Reno: Cloud was so overwhelmed with shock that his…. his hair…. His hair has…. stopped defying gravity!

(Cloud stumbles across the stage with his normal hair. Reno sobs.)

Reno: I mean, his hair was so cool! Not as cool as mine, but still pretty awesome!

Rude: Calm down, Reno I'm sure it will become normal again.

Reno: Yeah, you're right. [Reno has changed from sobbing to indifferent]

Rude: What are you, bipolar? Why are you smiling? Don't you know what this means?

Reno: Yeah. It means we get to clock out early today!

Rude: NO! It means that Zack's spirit will be satisfied and take the geostigma away. Midgar will be cured!

Reno: Do we still get to clock out early?

Rude: You're hopeless.

Reno: That may be true, but I've been thinking…

Rude: Again? I've told you about that. Nothing good comes out of you thinking.

Reno: What do you mean?

Rude: Never mind. The list is too long. What have you been thinking about?

Reno: If there is no King then there is no one for us to guard so can we clock out early today?

Rude: Yes Reno.

Reno: Alright! Looks like we're clockin' out early! (He's so happy that he hits Rude again with the pipe) Oops. Watch out Rude!

Rude: That's it! No more nice Rude! (Rude chases Reno around the stage with the pipe.)

Reno: I'm sorry Rude!

Rude: Come back here you red head rooster. I'm gonna smash your head to…..

(Cloud and Vincent run on stage and they try to hold back Rude.)

Cloud: Whoa you guys. There are kids watching! Now hug and make up.

Reno: No way! He's trying to kill me!

Vincent: HUG NOW!

(Rude and Reno instantly comply.)

Vincent: That's better. Can I leave you little girls alone and be sure you won't kill each other?

Reno: Yes sir!

Cloud: Where are you going Vincent?

Vincent: There's always some sort of evil out there and I'm going to destroy it all. Lucrecia will be avenged. [Exit Vincent]

Reno: Dude I'm just gonna say it. The thing with Lucrecia being frozen in crystals happened over two hundred years ago and he's still at it. We seriously need to find him a girl.

Sora: I'm sure a few girls in the audience wouldn't mind being the test subjects.

Rude: Boy, sit down! Where did you learn things like that?

Sora: Despite living in a world of Disney characters we actually get very good reception of Fan-girl comments.

Cloud: Fan-girls! Where! I'm outta here! [exits]

Riku: What's up with him?

Reno: Got attacked by Fan-girls one too many times. Stories are none too pretty.

Rude: But those stories are for when you are older. Some are just plain hideous of what they did to him.

Reno: Well, that's the story. I hope you learned something from it.

Riku: Yeah. I learned never to listen to you again. Come on, Sora.

Sora: Where are we going Riku?

Riku: I thought we could go get some popcorn and watch a movie at home.

Sora: You mean it? Can we watch Yaoi?

Riku: What the heck, why not?

Sora: YAAAAAY1 Cuddle time! [Exit Riku and Sora]

Reno: Awwww… that's so cute. I like Yuri myself, but that's 'cause I'm a ladies man. Dude, I'm hungry. Rude, lets go grab some lunch.

Rude: Well, what'll it be?

Reno: Ahhh, you can pick.

Rude: Let's say something at the same time.

Reno: Okay. One, two, three

Both: Cosplay Maid Café!

Reno: You read my mind!

Rude: You're mind is too empty to be read. I just know you and your habits Reno.

Reno: Hey, you can't say you don't like those girls in those adorable, revealing maid outfits, buddy! [exit]

THE END


End file.
